Joca

Dear Journal

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I have been keeping journals for as long as I can remember dating back to when I was in the 7th grade. I remember for every school year I had a journal and stored them all in a shoe box under my bed. I kept tab on everything until my senior year in high school. Then…. it just stopped. A couple years later after graduating high school, my mother threw them all away without my knowledge, so there goes my teen years’ rants, huh?

Some keep journals because they want to be writers one day or in my case, I had a lot of shit to write about that I never really let out. I was kind of like the type of friend who’ll crack a joke about my own problem to let people think it wasn’t bothering me and that I couldn’t give two shit about it. But I did…. I often screamed in my head while I’m journaling and pretending my pen was my fist. If you could only read what I used to blab about, you’d probably be able to ‘feel’ how strong my punches were.

I started writing just for the heck of it until my freshmen year in high school. Thats when my blabs about my new crush, clothes, & random shit turned into screams of agony, anger, depression, anxiety, and fear. It was a hot mess. But don’t we all go through that phase in high school? I mean, that’s what most adults categorize every thing that we go through in our teenage years anyway. “They’re just being dramatic. They’ll get over it! Kids will be kids. It’s just a phase.”

How people perceive me in public was totally different from who or what I was like alone in my room every single f&^king night. I was in total deep thoughts and shit when I was at home in my own bubble. I found it hard to go to bed at night because I was always talking to myself, but it was even harder getting out of bed in the morning. I didn’t care if people were thinking that I was putting chicken scratches on my body for “attention”, because in my head I was correcting the label into “self-loathe.” I honestly could careless if they thought it was a fake like the other kids. All I knew was that it helped me feel sane, it reminded me that I was still capable of ‘feeling,’ and it gave me something else to focus on rather than the actual things that hurt emotionally & mentally.

The power of journaling! It help lessen and ease the burden in the heart and weight on the shoulders. It’s something that lets you say everything you feel the need to say without anyone knowing or hurting their feelings.

This is just a small rant post maybe? Nah, I’m just really putting it out there that journaling helps. About 80% of the time, it calms my nerve when I’m angry (I still have that 20% urge to suck someone in the face though, don’t get me wrong haha), but it helps the most when I’m feeling sluggish or uncomfortable about a situation.

Bonus: That was the last mint nautical journal at TJMaxx for $5. The Anchor is actually a cut out and the design is the inside front page cover. Her name is “Journey”

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